blogging

So I haven't posted much lately.

Have you noticed?

I have. I think about it every once in a while. I say to myself, "Self, you need to write something on your blog."

Then I reply, "But I don't feel like it. I don't know what to say."

And then my mind wanders in another direction.

So here is my attempt at returning to the world of blogging. You know, it's kinda ironic. I have been blogging for about a year now. It started as mostly a place to communicate information about our youth ministry...but also a way to communicate with my friends and family around the country. More than that, I wanted an outlet. I love to write. This was my chance to write about whatever I felt like writing about. I never felt like I had a large audience reading. To be honest, it didn't matter to me if the whole world was reading or just my wife. I just wanted an outlet. It's who I am. I process life verbally. I like to talk through my thoughts. I've gotta get it out...regardless of whether or not anyone is listening.

Well, since August 29th blew through my life, I have had lots of readers and lots to write about. For some reason, though, I haven't felt like writing.

Maybe it's because I'm really busy. Maybe I need a little bit more time before I can start to reflect on all that has happened. Maybe it is just the way I am emotionally responding to this whole thing.

I don't know what it is...but I have decided I'm gonna just write anyway. We'll see where this takes us.

Let's start with the most important relationship in my life...the one I have with God Himself.

I have been in this awkward place where God seems to be close by and far away at the same time. I firmly believe that my entire life was leading to this moment and this storm. God led Crystal and I back to New Orleans for this. God is active and involved. Ministry is more meaningful and real than ever. This is why I do what I do. This is it. This is the opportunity that you dream about when you are preparing for a lifetime of full-time ministry.

Yet at the same time, God seems so far away. I feel like I am spiritually and emotionally spent. If I had to get up in front of a youth group tomorrow night and deliver a message from God's Word...I don't know what I would say. To be totally honest, all of the Bible and Theology that I have studied for the past decade seems so trivial right now. It's like I have spent my entire Christian life talking about the weather and nothing more. Everything I have known about prayer and Scripture doesn't seem to work any more. I don't know what to say to God. I feel like we are an old married couple...and one morning I rolled over and looked at the person sleeping next to me and said to myself, "we have been married for twenty years and yet I feel like I don't know you."

Not to say that I am having some sort of crisis of faith or anything. I know that God is real and that I am his child. I guess it's like my life has turned the page and I find myself reading a different story. I keep flipping back and forth and examining the words on the printed page and I scratch my head.

What happened?

I don't know, but I think I have a clearer picture than I did when I started typing.